It pains me to think about how much suffering Tessa went through and how much pain she’ll live with for the rest of her life having to outlive her husband Will and their kids Lucie and James as well.

It’s one thing to outlive your husband, but it’s another to have to see your kids age — you stay with the face of a 19-year-old while their hair greys — and one day, they’re gone.

She didn’t just outlive them — she lost them. Of course, everyone loses a loved one when said loved one dies but the normal person only lives a few years more and they join their beloved in the next life. Tessa is not a normal person, she’s immortal, she didn’t just live a few years after their deaths, she lived a whole new life. 

The epilogue of Clockwork Princess struck my heart so deeply, it somewhat shattered it. Thinking about it as I write this brings back the hurt I felt for Tessa (and for Jem, even Will too). She realized she couldn’t remember the exact shade of blue of Will’s eyes or the depth of his laugh. She had to go through all of that all over again with Lucie and James after their deaths.

She’s now in the place of happiness with Jem she imagined a lifetime ago, and they have a beautiful daughter as well. Tessa is so happy and Jem too — and Will is too, as he watches over them. It’s like my heart that broke for Tessa has been melted and reshaped to a new one, where the new love and joy Tessa and Jem have lives, alongside the love and joy Tessa and Will had still have even worlds apart.

And yet, my heart can’t help but break, and my throat can’t do anything else except tighten at the thought of Tessa having to live through that all over again. She’ll share a wonderful life with Jem and Mina but she’ll have to live through her husband growing old and losing him and eventually her daughter as well. 

Unless she goes with Jem to join Will in the next life. Tessa loves that she has been able to live in the world of shadowhunters, and that’s she’s able to help them and see the lineage of lives her friends and family started so long ago. She loves and accepts the warlock part of her. But she’s also a shadowhunter, she may have stranded from it for some time but that’s where she found herself at the age of sixteen and that is where her heart lies. Normal warlocks would never think of ending their lives, even for love. Tessa is part warlock and part shadowhunter. Maybe she was meant to live hundreds of years — or maybe she was meant to return to the world of shadows with the two people she loves most. 

Tessa is now married to Jem and they have a daughter and she’s so happy, they’re all so happy. But I can’t help but think about what’s going to happen to Tessa as they grow old without her, it’s happened before with Will, James, and Lucie, and to put it as simple as possible, it was hard for her and was hard for many years after. Having to outlive not only your love but your kids as well is painful. Meeting Jem at Blackfrairs Bridge all those years is something that helped her hold on. But he’s no longer a silent brother, and although they are married with a child, it means he can no longer stay with Tessa forever. When he dies Tessa’s two greatest loves will be gone forever. Is she going to go with Jem to join Will in the afterlife? She misses Will terribly. Is she going to keep living after Jem dies or will she close the book on her life? She can’t die of old age so she would have to do something to herself and I don’t know how Jem would feel about that. What would he tell her: that he will happily cross with her over to the next life or ask her to stay? When Mina is born Tessa thinks of how painful it’s going to be having to yet again watch as her love and child have to grow old without her and their deaths. Does she have plans to stay, or is she ready to cross with Jem and meet Will again?